The Humanist Manifesto, More than Slightly Altered

1. Humanism is a philosophy for people who think for themselves; no deviation from this norm will be tolerated. There is no area of thought that a Humanist is afraid to challenge and explore except the U.S. Tax Code and the mating patterns of mollusks. Even we have to draw the line somewhere.

2. Humanism is a philosophy focused upon human means of comprehending reality. I mean, like, totally, dude. Humanists make no claims to possess or have access to supposed transcendent knowledge. Cause yo, some them guru cats, they be trippin.’

3. Humanism is a philosophy of reason and science in the pursuit of wisdom and knowledge and a vaccine for the survivors of the coming zombie apocalypse. Therefore, when it comes to the question of the most valid means for acquiring knowledge of the world, Humanists reject arbitrary faith, authority, revelation, and altered states of consciousness (although some of us think some of those states that can be a lot of fun).

4. Humanism is a philosophy of imagination. For instance, I imagine it would be kinda cool to be a cow in India. Think of the respect! Cars moving out of your way in the street, no fear of being slaughtered, people just lining up to milk you at 5:00 am...but, as often happens when I imagine being a cow, I digress. Humanists recognize that intuitive feelings, hunches, speculation, flashes of inspiration, emotion, altered states of consciousness, and even religious experience, while not valid means to acquire knowledge, remain useful sources of ideas that can lead us to new ways of looking at the world. From the floor, for example--usually after a night devoted to the pursuit of altered states of consciousness. These ideas, after they have been assessed rationally for their usefulness, can then be put to work, often as alternate approaches for solving problems. Or whatever.

5. Humanism is a philosophy for the here and now [or was that the there and then? Remember to check with editor]. Humanists regard human values as making sense only in the context of human life rather than in the promise of a supposed life after death. (Have you ever spent any time around people who are, like, 100% convinced they're going to heaven? Would you seriously want to hang with them forever? Screw that.)

6. Humanism is a philosophy of compassion, you worthless son of a bitch. Humanist ethics is solely concerned with meeting human needs and answering human problems--for both the individual and society--and devotes no attention to the satisfaction of the desires of supposed theological entities. NO attention...although even we gotta give it up for Thor. He's undeniably cool, what with the lightning bolts and all.

7. Humanism is a realistic philosophy. (“Word?” “Word.”) Humanists recognize the existence of moral dilemmas and the importance of careful consideration of immediate and future consequences in moral decision making. At parties, you’ll often hear us rhythmically chanting, “Go careful-consideration-of-immediate-and-future-consequences-in-moral-decision-making, it’s your birthday,” or words to that effect. We also appreciate the occasional ice show.

8. Humanism is in tune with the science of today. (No offense, alchemists-- it’s just that your time has come and gone, and the sooner you come to terms with that, the better. Trust me--turning lead into gold just doesn't have the “wow factor” it used to. And seriously, you need a shower.) In accordance with today’s science, Humanists recognize that we live in a natural universe of great size and age, not unlike those rare, freaky 80-year-old women who are somehow still like, 350 pounds. What’s up with that, anyway? When you get old, aren't you supposed to shrivel up and shit? We recognize that human beings evolved on this planet over a long period of time, and that there is no compelling evidence for a separable "soul" except in the cases of Aretha Franklin and James Brown.

9. Humanism is in tune with today's enlightened social thought: we strongly feel that accused witches are entitled to a fair trial before being executed. Humanists are committed to human rights, civil liberties, marsupial voting rights, and church-state separation. [Note: there’s a ballot initiative pending on the marsupial thing as of this writing. Check status before publication.] We believe in the extension of participatory democracy; not only in government, but in the workplace, in education, and in deciding who gets to pick the secret password for the treehouse. We also champion (that’s right; I said champion) an expansion of global consciousness and exchange of products and ideas internationally, and support open-ended approaches to solving social problems that allows for the testing of new alternatives. (Not that that in any way excuses you, you commie bastard.)

10. Humanism is in tune with new technological developments. iPhones, iPads, tablets: we’re totally into all that shit. Humanists are willing to take part in emerging scientific and technological discoveries in order to exercise their moral influence but for Christ’s sake stop asking us for money we already to give to, like, a hundred charities, alright? We fully support these revolutions as they come about, especially in the interest of protecting the environment. Except where the environment includes leeches and slugs, which are majorly gross.

11. Humanism is, in sum, a philosophy for those in love with life. [Really? We’re going with “in sum?” Who the hell talks like that? And “in love with life” -- Jesus, do you realize how totally lame that sounds? Goddam editors.] Humanists take responsibility for their own lives and relish the adventure of being part of new discoveries, seeking new knowledge, exploring new options, and trying new strategies for tax evasion. Instead of finding solace in prefabricated answers to the great questions of life, we fabricate them ourselves. Humanists enjoy the open-endedness of a quest and the freedom of discovery that this entails. So bend over.

Copyright © 2012 by William K. Ferro

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